I’ve had one of those weeks where I feel particularly useless to everyone. It seemed like I could do nothing right anywhere I went and the things I accomplished went completely unnoticed and it made me wonder if they were worth doing at all. I got a 5,000 bill for something that I don’t even know. I am 80k in medical debt. All because I decided to take care of my health when I was uninsured and scared that if I didn’t I wouldn’t make it to see 20. And I wouldn’t have, but the point is my fear pushed me in a huge 80k hole. Fuck that. Fuck fear running my life like that. The past few months have been this weird sort of life where I’m here but mostly I just feel like I’m watching myself from someone else’s point of view. I very often wonder what in the fuck I’m doing as I’m doing it. And then in a complete 180 I will do something and wonder why I’m not afraid of it. I am moving in a little over a month. I’m moving in with a guy I’m dating. And it’s fucking scary. Because this is the first time I’ve done this in seven years. I’ve done this three times now and I don’t know, how many times is enough times to tell you “not again” subconsciously? Is there even a stop sign in that fucked up emotional into someone so deeply road? And if not, why? Love and feelings and relationships are so all encompassing it’s fucking terrifying. I am a wreck without a reason to be and broke with no sure end in sight and diving head first into this hoping for the best and my god what the fuck happened to me this week to throw me do far out of my own life that I can barely open my eyes without tearing up?
What the hell happens to human beings that fucks with them so badly without them even knowing what hit them?
