oh hai.

margaritamovies:

Ok, so I guess it’s fitting that the first proper blog post on this blog is going to be about a god-awful film, a film that there is no good god damn reason for three semi-self-respecting men to see.

So yeah, we saw fucking New Moon. I was already nursing a weapons-grade hangover from our friend Jermaine’s birthday party the night before, which was fun. It was at Birds, which is a really fun bar in Hollywood where you basically forfeit your right to sobriety the second you walk in the door. People danced on the bar, it was nuts, I got so drunk I told Sam his apartment was really hot, he replied “uh, we’re in my car”. It was that kind of night.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty bad. Dan AKA Williams IMed me, checking I am not going to pussy out of the whole thing, because I have not been shy about my reticence to see this lame wussy vampire film. He actually bought my ticket for me earlier in the week so that the rules of social etiquette meant I couldn’t back out.

We got to the Pink Taco and the barmaid was very kind about my grim hangover and gave me fried ice cream and water and stuff. Han AKA Lee was really much less kind, all he said was “you look like shit, bro”. Dan AKA Williams just encouraged me to drink as much as possible. Personally I feel that ‘hair of the dog’ is a load of shit, but I’ll be god damned if I’m going to see New Moon sober, so I drank up.

The film is fucking awful. I haven’t seen the first one but as I understand it, this girl in some nowhere region of the US falls in love with this vampire guy who looks like a fucking owl. She’s jailbait and he’s 109, so you kind of wonder which part of the Twilight “Saga” is going to feature Chris Hansen, Vampire Hunter. Apparently they don’t ever fuck or anything, they just long for each other. It sounds like absolute twaddle - oh yeah, and the vampires in this shit don’t drink blood or burn up in the sunlight, they just sparkle like they were covered in glitter.

So anyway in this one, the characters roam around a bit being FUCKING miserable for a while and then the vampire with the boyband haircut tells Miserable Girl that he has to leave town for some stupid reason. They don’t really talk about it, he just fucks off with little explanation. She becomes, unbelievably, even more miserable about things and swans about generally being a huge mardy shit.

At this point this werewolf kid starts moving in on her. This kid is extremely muscly, and the audience does not forget this because he never has a shirt on. His werewolf friends - who are dicks or something - also never put shirts on. They all just wear cut-off jeans and leer menacingly. This kid really puts in the hours with Miserable Girl, they repair some motorbikes together and to be honest he seems like a more fun guy than Vampire Guy because all Vampire Guy does is brood and look miserable, but then that’s all Miserable Girl wants to do so maybe they are meant to be together. Amazingly, even after putting in all this time, Miserable Girl does not put out in any way whatsoever. They do not even kiss. Personally, if I repaired two motorbikes for a girl I would expect at least third base, but that’s me. Apparently this whole thing was written by some crazy Mormon woman and nobody actually gets laid ever. I want to say that in my experience teens are just banging all over the place but I really did terribly with girls when I was teenaged.

Miserable Girl starts throwing her weight around and trying to get herself killed because she’s so mardy about Vampire Guy leaving. He thinks she’s dead due to a comedic miscommunication that so cleverly references Romeo and Juliet, which was set up earlier in the film. Vampire Guy wants to die even though Miserable Girl really isn’t even all that hot, and apparently the only way for vampires to die in this thing is to be executed by the Council Of Wanky Long Haired Vampires for exposing yourself to humans. This doesn’t make any fucking sense at all, I mean can he not just behead himself or something? Maybe he could do what men who’ve lost their special lady have done since the beginning of time - shag a fat girl and move on with his life.

Vampire Guy’s sister, Hot Vampire, comes back to Nowheresville to get Miserable Girl, and they just quickly nip to Italy to check out a festival and stop Vampire Guy committing Suicide By Vampire Council. There is really not enough screen time for Hot Vampire and way too much for everyone else. She’s really the only attractive character in the whole film for the chaps - I guess the buff werewolf fellows are pretty good looking for the ladies. Vampire Guy is hideous, only a tubby goth could be tricked into thinking he’s a good looking man.

So it all goes well and the two moping pale bastards are back together again. Then there’s some debate about whether to make Miserable Girl a vampire. My question is, in the Twilight universe, what the fuck is the downside to becoming a vampire? One of the vampires makes some noise about how it’s so hellish being a vampire - uh, what? You live forever and you have great hair, stop complaining. So they decide to do it, but there’s a SHOCK TWIST coming - Vampire Guy asks Miserable Girl to marry him first! Astonishing stuff.

This was a long fucking film. People talk… very… slowly, which only serves to highlight how creakingly ponderous the dialogue is. It really feels like they were ad-libbing it, it’s so wretched. Apparently they are churning these films out at a rate of two a year, which seemed amazing before I watched the film and understood why - this film was pretty terrible in every regard. The CGI wolves looked awful, the plot either makes no sense or hinges on ludicrous coincidences, and the acting is atrocious. Despite this I know Dan AKA Williams will force us to see the next ghastly episode in the saga when it comes out next July.

Film Quality: D-
Action/Violence: C- (there were at least a few attempts at fights)
Women for Ogling: C+ (Hot Vampire really wasn’t in it enough)
Unintentional Comedy: A-

Next week: NINJA MOTHERFUCKING ASSASSIN.

-Nick AKA Roper

this wins. and is definitely worth the read.

guys get drunk and go and watch movies then review them. win.